My 15 year grudge against Timmy Mallet – (UK Kids TV Star Back in the 80’s and 90’s)

Hi Guys,
Well it’s been about a week since my last post and this was due in no large part, to a nasty dose of the Flu!!!!!!!! Yuk Yuk Yuk.
While the whole family went down with this bug, it will always be the kids that will make this last week so memorable. Have you any idea how much parents suffer when they are ill the same time as the kids. I had more chance of getting shit out of a rocking horse than i did of recovering in peace. My kids decided to be the naughtiest little shits ever to grace this earth, I mean I still love them to death, and would go to the ends of the earth for them but last week I would’ve gone to the ends of the earth just so I could leave the little buggers there!
So after a couple of days both the wife and I had reached boiling point with them and we decided the best course of action would be to put them all in front of the telly and they could watch daytime educational programmes till they were well enough to go back to school, but what educational value does the power rangers hold, or what exactly does sponge bob teach our kids???? I’m sure it was different in our days, I used to learn just by looking out the square window on playschool, I’m told now, there isn’t even a blue peter anymore.
While watching the latest offerings from the Power rangers, it took me back to the golden age of kids T.V and it reminded me of my 15 year grudge against Timmy Mallet, Timmy Mallet???? do I hear you say? what on earth could the half pint in a yellow polka dot bikini, could ever have done to offend, so as to create a 15 year grudge? well peeps let me enlighten you to my youthful humiliation that caused all this, This is the Wackiest, Wack-a-day story you’ll ever hear, and please feel free to say Poor Joe Schmoe now.
This all started on a lovely summers day, the year is 1983 and I’ve just finished junior school in north/east London and am looking forward to the usual fun for 6 whole weeks. Even at this age, your street rep meant everything, from how you were viewed by the others to who’d play with you, so I felt I was probably a little too young for thisd kind of humiliation. Now at the time my father owned a cleaning and Facilities management company that was just starting up and as always my old man was on the look out for new and exciting contracts. Through the grapevine, he’d heard that the contract for the T.V am studios was up for tender and the old man was desperate to have a look round thus enabling him to place a more accurate quote in. But this left him with a little problem as he couldn’t get in to have a look round without giving the game away, as security was always very tight in these places, even then, so unsure of how to get around this, my father had the not so ingenious idea of entering me into all the competitions for Wack-a-day, and I mean EVERY single bloody one of them, he even wrote a letter to them asking me to go on as Timmy Mallet was my true Heroe! True Heroe my Arse, I mean lets be honest, it’s 1983 andd my only heore was Kevin “look at my scouse perm” Keegan. Never Timmy Mallet, but hey, the old man did it anyway and never even told me, but alas, you guessed it, with the type of luck I had, even then, it was only a matter of time before they called and this ritual humiliation would begin, less than a fortnight later, I was playing out on the street, when the old dear came out and shouted “JOE!!!!!!!! It’s someone called wack-a-day on the phone for you” now this was shouted out in front of the whole street, every kid in a 10 mile radius heard, and laughed, I’m sure even nelson from the Simpsons could be heard going “Haw-Haw”, Over 15 wack-a-day waves all appearred at the same time. One of those “if only the ground would open up and swallow me whole” Monments.
Any-way, It turns out that I was selected for the Game singing in the shower (bit of nostalgia for anyone who remembers the show), And I was sent a tape of 3 songs that I had to memorise for the game show as one song I would have to sing and dance to on National television at the ripe old age of 11, Soooooo Sad!
2 weeks later we set off very early for the trip to Camden for this awful experience, as soon as we arrived and they said there was a green room for the kids, that was it for my dad, with a gentle push, a reminder not to lose and show my dad up (with a clip round the ear), I was left while me dad went looking for someone to bribe for info on the contract. It was at this point that Timmy decided to put in an appearance to say Hi to the kids and he went straight to my competition to say hi, like they were his long lost cousins, Fuck me, I fucked before I start, I thought and the old man will kill me if I don’t win, along with the humiliation that was destined to come. A few hours later the competition started and we rocorded our bits, I went first singing and dancing to “When you go give me roses, Talk me round for hours”, now you had to sing and dance on this little stage with a green screen behind you so they could add the effects, and I nailed it, really nailed it, had it in the bag nailed it, and not just becuase I was one of the top young dancers in the country but I did acting and singing on a weekly basis as well, I never missed a line and my dancing would have made pans people really proud, so back to the green room I went while the other 2 did theirs, and lastly went the one that Timmy clearly knew, and the dozy Bint actually managed to fall off the little stage, now I’m not saying this girl was a little stupid, but if she had a brain cell it would have died of loneliness, if she had 2 they’d have spent all day arguing and you all know what they say about 3 being a crowd!!!!!!!
After she fell off, they felt so sorry for her and her whinging mother, they let her have another go!!!! Bloody cheek. As always, uncle Fucking Timmy had the last say, now Mr. No-mark came last, Here you are son, have a pencil and sharpener, for turning up, The freckled, spectacled Git, gave me seconde place, Flask and packed Lunch Box, That’s right cause the dozy bint fell off and cried he let her win, I couldn’t believe it, She gets a round of applause, A Mallets, Mallet and a bag of Goodies and I get a fucking packed lunch box, a smack from my dad for losing and a tussle of my hair from Mr. Mallet, oh boy this was the birth of the grudge that lasted 15 years, and revenge was to be mine one day.
Well I went through all the humiliation that you’d expect as by the time the show was aired I was at senior school where nearly everyone saw it and reminded me of this on a regular basis, with over 3 years of “Hey Joe, Where’s your packed lunch box today?” and don’t forget the wack-a-day wave that I had to endure for 3 years. Well we moved to a new area, where this was soon forgotten, I mean it didn’t even register when wack – a – day was ending and they planned a 3 hour spectacular of the highlights from the previous 10 years. I mean no-one watched it in those days, except for one person at my new school, now I’m in the 5th year now getting ready for my exams when they showed me as one of the best bits of the past decade, I could have died, if I was one of the best, why didn’t I win, OOOHHH MALLET, by now you have so much to answer for, it only took 1 kid to watch it and by monday I was back to being the Wack-a-day Kid. Mallet, you Bastard, I’ll get you for this!
Now the only thing that ever really grieved me about this was the loss of the well earnt mallets mallet, and though time was now due to move on, I never forgot about this gross mis-conduct of Justice, true travesty.
It is at this point we now fast forward another 8 years, I am now employed as a senior chef for a well know exhibition Hall in London, and they are hosting the Toy show, and during the day I was asked to manage the food for the press in the press room, and No worries and Off I went, and to my surprise, my great delight and at the back of the que was the little fucker himself, Mr Mallet, OMG!!!!!!!! this was far too good an opportunity to miss, he was gonna get it, and get it good, I prayed he was hungry cause the food was sooooo nice and timmy was getting none of it, not if I had my way anyway, so when it was finally his turn to get served, I said, Hello Mr Mallet, Long time no see, what can i get for you??? Errrr i’ll have the chicken please,
Ha Ha, errr no!!
Sorry? He asked
Errr No! I replied,
Ok how about the fish
Errr Yeah, you can’t have that either I said
Well what is on offer then? he asked
How about a 15 year old smack in the Gob? will that do ya? I shouted
Now I’m no small boy and was big enough to dwarf and scare him a little and he looked a little shaken and confused so I let him have it,
“I don’t know if you remember me, but 15 years ago you robbed me of MY Mallets Mallet and unless you can replace it and my hurt humiliated feelings then you aint getting fed my son”, and I couldn’t resist it but i tusseled his hair.
I told him the story of 15 years ago and the look on his face was priceless and he said have you held a grudge all this time?
Yep! I said proudly
Right come with me, and as we headed off to the lockers I thought, hold on son I’m not that way but as we got to his locker he pulled out an original Mallets Mallet, he told me he’d been on the big breakfast that morning and gave this one to Kelly Brook, but the silly twat left it behind and Timy was well offended at this and took it back, he then signed it “To Joe, a True Champion Wack-a-dayer from your mate Timmy”
And Peeps to this day I still have that Mallets Mallet that was truely Earnt.
One Last FYI, The old man never won the cleaning contract. Arghhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!
Till next time peeps,
Joe…………. Still waiting………………..